Monday Motivation and Reflections

MarquitaPringMy body used to look like this. Exactly like this. Marquita Pring is the closest thing to fitspo/thinspo I will ever find in someone else. In this photo, she even has my little love handles — even though she’s posing to hide them and I spy a little Photoshop.

It’s been a long time since I’ve looked like this. Long enough. I’m not even gonna bullshit. I let depression and anxiety get the better of me. My ex blamed me for his cheating. Hint: If you start a sentence with “I’m not blaming you but…,” NEWSFLASH— you’re blaming me. I was the girl with great legs and short skirts, a bubbly personality, and people loved being around me. I went out to concerts and clubs and made new friends all the time. Somehow his insecurities gave him license to put it in any woman with low self-esteem who would buy his paranoia over the fact that I absolutely had to be cheating on him. With everyone. Because being bi-must make me a super slut. But not on purpose because I was also very young and naive and any guy who knew me was only a friend because he wanted to sleep with me — so it wasn’t completely my fault… do you see the bullshit? Nevermind most of these guys were into short/tiny girls or blonde girls or white girls only. Oh no. That could never be the case.

The only thing I was naive about was my relationship with me ex. He had me convinced my natural friendliness was flirting. He convinced me that hugging friends– especially male friends– was somehow a slap to his face. I let that happen. I was too concerned about his happiness over my own. I let his paranoid insecurity trigger my anxiety to the point where I stopped being me from being me. I stopped going out without him involved so he could see nothing was up. But he’s a lazy f*ck so nothing we ever did was physical. Friends stopped inviting me to things because they knew the answer would be “no” anyways. It was all a bunch of BS that took me years to really realize what was going on. And really, it pushed me to get therapy and Dr. R was basically like: You’re letting him passively control you and your relationship. Knock that shit off if you wanna be happy. LOL Okay, that second sentence is a stretch. She would never curse like that. But even then, I was slow to make real change. It took a MASSIVE TMI situation for me to leave him.

I didn’t start losing the weight I gained until I left him.I was happier the minute I said I was done and meant it.  So now that I’ve gained weight again I’m forced to look at the things that are hurting my goals. I see the changes I need to make at work and at home and am ready to start there. I took a semester off dance and regained weight. That’s no coincidence. Everything is so clear now.

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