The Other Side

I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster all month. Ever since my [ex-] father-in-law passed away. The funeral was 12/6 and I think that was the big thing. I saw him the afternoon before he died. It was the first time I visited in a while. His cancer was getting worse and I needed to see him. I’m glad I did but I’m still wonky over everything. But it’s not like I’m his real daughter so of course I’m expected to just be fine by now.

Anyway, Bob’s passing has had me obsessing over family and doing better for myself financially and finishing my education and it’s been overwhelming. I haven’t been obsessing over things in a healthy, constructive way. And I sure as hell haven’t been working out consistently. I’ve been doing a lot of sleeping and crochet and video games and sex. That’s about it.

So, I’ve reached the other side of the depression again. Now that I am fully aware and motivated to get back into the swing of things, I’m going full force. I have a 2017 planner that started this week. I’ll be logging workouts and health notes in there. So not so much a planner as a reflection book. Because apps are great, but paper owns my heart. So yes, I will be copying Fitbit and My Fitness Pal data to my planner/journal. It willbe like a daily meditation on achieving wellness.

And today I have a doctor’s appointment to get everything tested and see about Qsymia– but that’s a whole other post right there.




Meh x100

Someone mentioned having a case of “the fuck-its” and I think I’m almost there. I’m doing stronglifts 5×5 and trying to walk the dog more on off days. I wanted to see if just lifting would be enough. It’s not. Yes, the muscle is there. Yes, I’m stronger. No, I’m not really getting smaller. And I worry that eating this much — even though it’s at a deficit– is part of the problem. I feel like I should go back to eating 1500-1800 cal/day. Like maybe a “healthy” deficit isn’t what I need. Maybe I need a drastic one, regardless of my weight-lifting obsession. For now. I’ll just add 30min pilates on off days and see if that helps. And drop from 2635cal to 2300. I don’t know. It all feels like bullshit and a waste of time.