Saw the Doctor

Today is the beginning of another try at losing in a different way. Using IIFYM to calculate my calories and macros was a bad move. Why? Because I’m obese, not just overweight. So I’m back to less calories per day. 1700 cal/day for now. Super limited carbs — none from bread/rice/pasta for 2 weeks. Since I’ll be losing water weight, and am so effing fat, she’s convinced I have the potential to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks if I exercise and follow the diet. I can still have coffee, but with almond/skim milk and stevia. I know I drink way too much coffee though so I had already made my one and only NewYear’s resolution to drink no more than 24 oz, eventually getting to a max of 12oz.  Why? Because I have been drinking like 48 – 60 ounces almost every day.

As for medications, I’m on a water pill (HCTZ 25mg) because my BP was a little high. I got a b12 shot and a lipo shot lol. Supposedly they do something. I don’t know if I really buy it. We talk about phentermine in 2 weeks if my BP is lower. It was lower than the other day when I had the anxiety attack so she’s optimistic. Oh, why did I have an anxiety attack at the beginning of the first appointment? Because I got on the scale and weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life. Ever. EVER. It was way too much to handle and I just broke. But yeah. I’m okay now. Optimism. Mindfulness. Sleep.

Honestly, I feel 10x better today now that I’ve gone. Plus, I slept for 12hours last night! And the past few months have been so stressful. The last month was depress-o-rama. I’m meditating again and drinking water. OMG WATER. I might have had like 5 bottles in December. The whole month. Yeah. I wasn’t taking care of myself after Bob died but now I’m getting back to normal. Now I plan to have that many each day at least. And I will exercise at least 5 days per week– even if it’s just a 15min HIIT thing. If I do that and hit my 10k step goal, I’ll lose like I did before.

So here’s to the future. Which I will not obsess over. I will do this one day at a time.


Meh x100

Someone mentioned having a case of “the fuck-its” and I think I’m almost there. I’m doing stronglifts 5×5 and trying to walk the dog more on off days. I wanted to see if just lifting would be enough. It’s not. Yes, the muscle is there. Yes, I’m stronger. No, I’m not really getting smaller. And I worry that eating this much — even though it’s at a deficit– is part of the problem. I feel like I should go back to eating 1500-1800 cal/day. Like maybe a “healthy” deficit isn’t what I need. Maybe I need a drastic one, regardless of my weight-lifting obsession. For now. I’ll just add 30min pilates on off days and see if that helps. And drop from 2635cal to 2300. I don’t know. It all feels like bullshit and a waste of time.

Fitbit Love is Strong

Of all the things I do to keep active, my #Fitbit userdom is probably the best. I seriously don’t know where I’d be without it. Probably fatter. Maybe back on blood pressure medicine. Who knows. I just know that I feel fitter as a result of having this thing remind me to get up from my desk (on the slower days). I smile when it tells me I’m meeting my goals. I get competitive as hell when a friend is beating me in a challenge. It’s just awesome.

Pull-up Goals

“No matter how much you can squat, pull off the ground, or get over your head – if you cannot pull yourself up to a bar there is a fundamental and functional strength concern that needs to be addressed.”
– Chet Morjaria


This is definitely true. It might seem like an opinion but it must be taken as fact.

And why is it that push-ups are so much harder than pull-ups? Why is it that even though push-ups hurt like hell after a while, doing just one pull-up is torture? Oh, wait. Answered my own question internally: every pound of my massive body is being held and subsequently pulled up by one part of my body. So, duh.

We all need to be able to do pull ups for the sake of survival. What if you fall and slide down a hill which just happens to be a cliff? Hanging is one thing, but could you pull yourself up to safety after all that momentum? That is not easy on its own — let alone under pressure!

So this is where I have to suck it up and ask the boyfriend for help. Why? Because this fool does about 100 pull-ups every other day. 10 sets of 10.  Religiously. Sometimes more. Because he’s crazy. (#SentenceFragmentsEverywhere) So I need to make myself coachable. I need to let go and let Rob on this one and not go from zero to beeech if he pushes me. Because I know I don’t know it all so I can’t let exhaustion, pain, and frustration take me to a cranky place.


Birthday Gluttony & Goodness

So yesterday was my birthday. Every year, I recommit to treating myself better than the year before. I look at my successes and failures and plan accordingly. I believe in attainable goals. The crazy thing is that I often meet my goals, but with things that must be maintained, I start slipping. Like eating healthier for 3 months then slipping then getting back to it again. Or losing 30 pounds and regaining 20… The struggle is real!

So good stuff first, I restarted the Zombies Run 5k app with a friend and am looking forward to continuing. She has an addictive personality so I know that even if I slack, she’ll be texting me about it so I will do it not just for myself but as a good buddy to her as well.

The bad… I went WAY over my sodium yesterday and I can feel it today. And I didn’t have nearly enough protein.

Totals 2,437 305 101 125 5,882 58
Your Daily Goal 3,923 253 171 344 2,300 98
Remaining 1,486 -52 70 219 -3,582 40






*You’ve earned 1,288 extra calories from exercise today

Just 6 Weeks

This is the main app that got me back in shape. This and Zombies Run. That’s all I was using when I left my ex and needed to put my anger someplace productive.


So I may not have that rage anymore, but I do have all this weird energy that needs to go somewhere. I start dancing again today so I’m sure that will help as well. It all takes time. In the meantime, I’ll be doing my darndest to stay aware of my highs and lows when it comes to health and fitness. That should keep me on track even if I slip.

Long Time No See

So I have been really good about taking time to meditate. I’ve been good about randomly doing squats and push-ups every few hours. I’ve even been jogging in place for five minutes a couple times a day (mostly to crush my Fitbit goal). So why am I having a hard time getting back into my elliptical routine?


Maybe because my dumb arse lost the power cord. Thank God for Amazon. No seriously. Thank you, God. I think I’d be slipping into a depression and fattening up hardcore without it.

Seriously, the boyfriend has an olympic weight bench and almost 400 pounds worth of weights, but I can’t get the motivation to use them. Maybe there’s the intimidation factor. When we met, he could bench more than me. Now he’s benching a little less form working so much he doesn’t have the energy to lift. He works his ass off so he’s still in amazing shape. So I think that’s contibuting to my shyness about working out around him. It’s ridiculous because he gives zero fucks. I’ve worked out with him a few times in the past. I did my thing and he did his– but I was in better shape back then. That’s  it! That’s what it is. Okay. Figured it out. Done now.