I’m a “thick jawn” to many people who see me. People of colour mostly. Some even see me as a “big jawn,” but most don’t see me as straight up “fat.” And I think I take issue with this because it’s slowing me down, but maybe it’s actually a good thing.
Once upon a time, when I was what I consider an actual thick jawn, my friend Joe and I deemed ourselves “fathletic.” Why? Because we were tall and stocky and athletic. Duh. We did stuff. We had a lot of muscle under the fat and there wasn’t much fat really, looking back. There was some chub. A little softness. We weren’t cut, but could be (and easily) if we cared to try.
It’s funny how that’s my weight-loss goal now. Fathletic. Of course the ultimate goal is more of a Venus Williams build– although with the way I enjoy lifting, I’d likely be built more like the powerhouse that is her sister Serena and I would not be mad at all. That woman is the stuff of comic book gorgeousness. The only reason the “ulimate” goal would be Venus is because she’s built straight up and down like me. All I have are big boobs. I don’t have Serena’s hourglass shape. A girl can dream though…
But I digress, as usual. I truly think part of why I fall off the diet/restriction wagon is because I am healthy and I can still pull the mens if I wants to. And while the latter is a terribly shallow reason– my reasons for losing weight are shallow as hell as well. I’m not trying to get healthy. I already am healthy. I just want to buy cheaper clothes at any store. I can’t even say I’m too fat to do everything I want to do because I’m not. I don’t have the same motivation as other people my weight because I’m 6ft tall and carry it well, as they say. I could lose 15-20 vanity pounds and it would be very noticable, but mostly around my face and neck/clavicle areas. Great for selfies, but nothing to really write home about.
So it’s time for me to say it out loud and accept my truth: I don’t really care about losing weight. I care about staying healthy and keeping fit. I want to wear a size 12 (aka the tall girl’s size 6) but don’t need to. It doesn’t affect my happiness. And because I work in an urban area, I don’t have to worry about size-ism (sizism?) the way I would if I was job-seeking in the burbs. My weight is not affecting my health or my ability provide for and bond with my child so I’m good. The vanity pounds will go when they go. I’ll give intermittent fasting a whirl again and keep up with HIIT and walking the dog extra hard, but I’m not going to stress when I fall off the wagon. I’ll just get back on.
Well, technically 23.4 pounds down. I’m too mentally exhausted to be excited about it the way I should be. So many life changes happening and coming soon that I think a big part of my loss this past week is stress. Not eating enough by a long shot. Yeah, I finally hit the 20-pound milestone but that wasn’t really the way to do it. Despite not hitting my Fitbit step goal consistently, I have been plenty active in regard to lifting heavy things, HIIT, and being bendy. So I’m proud of myself for that. But I have to eat more than just oranges and nuts.
Having a huge tea in the morning with a wake-up wrap is going to be my regular thing. And I’m going to make salmon for dinner tonight. That’s a start. I have to eat. But I will admit that I find it interesting how now that I barely drink coffee, I’m losing. SO many of my day calories came from coffee. Wow. Anyway, enough rambling. No more skipping lunch and dinner. Living off snacks isn’t wise. The end.
Today is the beginning of another try at losing in a different way. Using IIFYM to calculate my calories and macros was a bad move. Why? Because I’m obese, not just overweight. So I’m back to less calories per day. 1700 cal/day for now. Super limited carbs — none from bread/rice/pasta for 2 weeks. Since I’ll be losing water weight, and am so effing fat, she’s convinced I have the potential to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks if I exercise and follow the diet. I can still have coffee, but with almond/skim milk and stevia. I know I drink way too much coffee though so I had already made my one and only NewYear’s resolution to drink no more than 24 oz, eventually getting to a max of 12oz. Why? Because I have been drinking like 48 – 60 ounces almost every day.
As for medications, I’m on a water pill (HCTZ 25mg) because my BP was a little high. I got a b12 shot and a lipo shot lol. Supposedly they do something. I don’t know if I really buy it. We talk about phentermine in 2 weeks if my BP is lower. It was lower than the other day when I had the anxiety attack so she’s optimistic. Oh, why did I have an anxiety attack at the beginning of the first appointment? Because I got on the scale and weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life. Ever. EVER. It was way too much to handle and I just broke. But yeah. I’m okay now. Optimism. Mindfulness. Sleep.
Honestly, I feel 10x better today now that I’ve gone. Plus, I slept for 12hours last night! And the past few months have been so stressful. The last month was depress-o-rama. I’m meditating again and drinking water. OMG WATER. I might have had like 5 bottles in December. The whole month. Yeah. I wasn’t taking care of myself after Bob died but now I’m getting back to normal. Now I plan to have that many each day at least. And I will exercise at least 5 days per week– even if it’s just a 15min HIIT thing. If I do that and hit my 10k step goal, I’ll lose like I did before.
So here’s to the future. Which I will not obsess over. I will do this one day at a time.
Someone mentioned having a case of “the fuck-its” and I think I’m almost there. I’m doing stronglifts 5×5 and trying to walk the dog more on off days. I wanted to see if just lifting would be enough. It’s not. Yes, the muscle is there. Yes, I’m stronger. No, I’m not really getting smaller. And I worry that eating this much — even though it’s at a deficit– is part of the problem. I feel like I should go back to eating 1500-1800 cal/day. Like maybe a “healthy” deficit isn’t what I need. Maybe I need a drastic one, regardless of my weight-lifting obsession. For now. I’ll just add 30min pilates on off days and see if that helps. And drop from 2635cal to 2300. I don’t know. It all feels like bullshit and a waste of time.
I did NOT think about food this much until I started working out.
There is a roast with carrots and potatoes in my slow cooker at home. I’m starving and can’t stop thinking about it. Not literally starving. I just had a protein shake. But still… I can cook, yall. So I know what I’m missing right now.
I can’t believe just how hungry I am. And it’s perfect logic. I’m doing more so my body wants more. But I am not a person who is frequently hungry. I’m used to going hours without eating. Just drink some coffee. No big deal. Anyway. I’m ready to get stronger and burn fat while I’m sleeping. ^_^
I have been having peanuts for lunch for the past 4 workdays. On a good day, I might drink a 24oz bottle of water. Everyday, there’s a huge cup of DD coffee for breakfast.
Seriously. This is not helping my weightloss goals.
I went about 2 or 3 weeks without weighing myself. Guess what. I gained 9 pounds. Fuck.That.Noise.
People who are too busy to eat should be rewarded by LOSING weight. Not gaining it. If I’m gonna be running around stressed all the time, I should at least be able to buy smaller clothes.
That’s my old phone. Kinda frustrating that I’m just about back where I started. But looking at this photo, I can see my perspective/perception has changed. I’m not disgusted. Just frustrated. I see my goal and considering I have ZERO interest in being skinny/thin, I know it’s attainable. Yay for #thickfit goals.
My body used to look like this. Exactly like this. Marquita Pring is the closest thing to fitspo/thinspo I will ever find in someone else. In this photo, she even has my little love handles — even though she’s posing to hide them and I spy a little Photoshop.
It’s been a long time since I’ve looked like this. Long enough. I’m not even gonna bullshit. I let depression and anxiety get the better of me. My ex blamed me for his cheating. Hint: If you start a sentence with “I’m not blaming you but…,” NEWSFLASH— you’re blaming me. I was the girl with great legs and short skirts, a bubbly personality, and people loved being around me. I went out to concerts and clubs and made new friends all the time. Somehow his insecurities gave him license to put it in any woman with low self-esteem who would buy his paranoia over the fact that I absolutely had to be cheating on him. With everyone. Because being bi-must make me a super slut. But not on purpose because I was also very young and naive and any guy who knew me was only a friend because he wanted to sleep with me — so it wasn’t completely my fault… do you see the bullshit? Nevermind most of these guys were into short/tiny girls or blonde girls or white girls only. Oh no. That could never be the case.
Continue reading “Monday Motivation and Reflections”
The Good News: I’ve lost 6 pounds (in the past 4 days).
The Bad News: I’m so stressed out I can’t eat or drink anything without getting sick.
So yeah. Go me.
So I have been really good about taking time to meditate. I’ve been good about randomly doing squats and push-ups every few hours. I’ve even been jogging in place for five minutes a couple times a day (mostly to crush my Fitbit goal). So why am I having a hard time getting back into my elliptical routine?
Maybe because my dumb arse lost the power cord. Thank God for Amazon. No seriously. Thank you, God. I think I’d be slipping into a depression and fattening up hardcore without it.
Seriously, the boyfriend has an olympic weight bench and almost 400 pounds worth of weights, but I can’t get the motivation to use them. Maybe there’s the intimidation factor. When we met, he could bench more than me. Now he’s benching a little less form working so much he doesn’t have the energy to lift. He works his ass off so he’s still in amazing shape. So I think that’s contibuting to my shyness about working out around him. It’s ridiculous because he gives zero fucks. I’ve worked out with him a few times in the past. I did my thing and he did his– but I was in better shape back then. That’s it! That’s what it is. Okay. Figured it out. Done now.