23 Pounds Down

Well, technically 23.4 pounds down. I’m too mentally exhausted to be excited about it the way I should be. So many life changes happening and coming soon that I think a big part of my loss this past week is stress. Not eating enough by a long shot. Yeah, I finally hit the 20-pound milestone but that wasn’t really the way to do it. Despite not hitting my Fitbit step goal consistently, I have been plenty active in regard to lifting heavy things, HIIT, and being bendy. So I’m proud of myself for that. But I have to eat more than just oranges and nuts.

Having a huge tea in the morning with a wake-up wrap is going to be my regular thing. And I’m going to make salmon for dinner tonight. That’s a start. I have to eat. But I will admit that I find it interesting how now that I barely drink coffee, I’m losing. SO many of my day calories came from coffee. Wow. Anyway, enough rambling. No more skipping lunch and dinner. Living off snacks isn’t wise. The end.

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Saw the Doctor

Today is the beginning of another try at losing in a different way. Using IIFYM to calculate my calories and macros was a bad move. Why? Because I’m obese, not just overweight. So I’m back to less calories per day. 1700 cal/day for now. Super limited carbs — none from bread/rice/pasta for 2 weeks. Since I’ll be losing water weight, and am so effing fat, she’s convinced I have the potential to lose 20 pounds in 2 weeks if I exercise and follow the diet. I can still have coffee, but with almond/skim milk and stevia. I know I drink way too much coffee though so I had already made my one and only NewYear’s resolution to drink no more than 24 oz, eventually getting to a max of 12oz.  Why? Because I have been drinking like 48 – 60 ounces almost every day.

As for medications, I’m on a water pill (HCTZ 25mg) because my BP was a little high. I got a b12 shot and a lipo shot lol. Supposedly they do something. I don’t know if I really buy it. We talk about phentermine in 2 weeks if my BP is lower. It was lower than the other day when I had the anxiety attack so she’s optimistic. Oh, why did I have an anxiety attack at the beginning of the first appointment? Because I got on the scale and weighed more than I have ever weighed in my life. Ever. EVER. It was way too much to handle and I just broke. But yeah. I’m okay now. Optimism. Mindfulness. Sleep.

Honestly, I feel 10x better today now that I’ve gone. Plus, I slept for 12hours last night! And the past few months have been so stressful. The last month was depress-o-rama. I’m meditating again and drinking water. OMG WATER. I might have had like 5 bottles in December. The whole month. Yeah. I wasn’t taking care of myself after Bob died but now I’m getting back to normal. Now I plan to have that many each day at least. And I will exercise at least 5 days per week– even if it’s just a 15min HIIT thing. If I do that and hit my 10k step goal, I’ll lose like I did before.

So here’s to the future. Which I will not obsess over. I will do this one day at a time.

Meh x100

Someone mentioned having a case of “the fuck-its” and I think I’m almost there. I’m doing stronglifts 5×5 and trying to walk the dog more on off days. I wanted to see if just lifting would be enough. It’s not. Yes, the muscle is there. Yes, I’m stronger. No, I’m not really getting smaller. And I worry that eating this much — even though it’s at a deficit– is part of the problem. I feel like I should go back to eating 1500-1800 cal/day. Like maybe a “healthy” deficit isn’t what I need. Maybe I need a drastic one, regardless of my weight-lifting obsession. For now. I’ll just add 30min pilates on off days and see if that helps. And drop from 2635cal to 2300. I don’t know. It all feels like bullshit and a waste of time.

The Hunger

I did NOT think about food this much until I started working out.

There is a roast with carrots and potatoes in my slow cooker at home. I’m starving and can’t stop thinking about it. Not literally starving. I just had a protein shake. But still… I can cook, yall. So I know what I’m missing right now.

I can’t believe just how hungry I am. And it’s perfect logic. I’m doing more so my body wants more. But I am not a person who is frequently hungry. I’m used to going hours without eating.  Just drink some coffee. No big deal. Anyway. I’m ready to get stronger and burn fat while I’m sleeping.  ^_^

Dear Internet,

I have been having peanuts for lunch for the past 4 workdays. On a good day, I might drink a 24oz bottle of water. Everyday, there’s a huge cup of DD coffee for breakfast.

Seriously. This is not helping my weightloss goals.

I went about 2 or 3 weeks without weighing myself. Guess what. I gained 9 pounds. Fuck.That.Noise.

People who are too busy to eat should be rewarded by LOSING weight. Not gaining it. If I’m gonna be running around stressed all the time, I should at least be able to buy smaller clothes.

Constantly Restarting

PhotoGrid_1394476784155 That’s my old phone. Kinda frustrating that I’m just about back where I started. But looking at this photo, I can see my perspective/perception has changed. I’m not disgusted. Just frustrated. I see my goal and considering I have ZERO interest in being skinny/thin, I know it’s attainable. Yay for #thickfit goals.

 

Monday Motivation and Reflections

MarquitaPringMy body used to look like this. Exactly like this. Marquita Pring is the closest thing to fitspo/thinspo I will ever find in someone else. In this photo, she even has my little love handles — even though she’s posing to hide them and I spy a little Photoshop.

It’s been a long time since I’ve looked like this. Long enough. I’m not even gonna bullshit. I let depression and anxiety get the better of me. My ex blamed me for his cheating. Hint: If you start a sentence with “I’m not blaming you but…,” NEWSFLASH— you’re blaming me. I was the girl with great legs and short skirts, a bubbly personality, and people loved being around me. I went out to concerts and clubs and made new friends all the time. Somehow his insecurities gave him license to put it in any woman with low self-esteem who would buy his paranoia over the fact that I absolutely had to be cheating on him. With everyone. Because being bi-must make me a super slut. But not on purpose because I was also very young and naive and any guy who knew me was only a friend because he wanted to sleep with me — so it wasn’t completely my fault… do you see the bullshit? Nevermind most of these guys were into short/tiny girls or blonde girls or white girls only. Oh no. That could never be the case.

Continue reading “Monday Motivation and Reflections”

Long Time No See

So I have been really good about taking time to meditate. I’ve been good about randomly doing squats and push-ups every few hours. I’ve even been jogging in place for five minutes a couple times a day (mostly to crush my Fitbit goal). So why am I having a hard time getting back into my elliptical routine?

 

Maybe because my dumb arse lost the power cord. Thank God for Amazon. No seriously. Thank you, God. I think I’d be slipping into a depression and fattening up hardcore without it.

Seriously, the boyfriend has an olympic weight bench and almost 400 pounds worth of weights, but I can’t get the motivation to use them. Maybe there’s the intimidation factor. When we met, he could bench more than me. Now he’s benching a little less form working so much he doesn’t have the energy to lift. He works his ass off so he’s still in amazing shape. So I think that’s contibuting to my shyness about working out around him. It’s ridiculous because he gives zero fucks. I’ve worked out with him a few times in the past. I did my thing and he did his– but I was in better shape back then. That’s  it! That’s what it is. Okay. Figured it out. Done now.

 

 

Elliptical Usage: HIGH

So I feel like this was the smartest purchase I’ve made in a long time. I feel great. I put my tablet up there and watch videos on Netflix/Hulu. It feels like  “me time” oddly enough.  Let’s face it, Rob’s not watching Scandal or The Vampire Diaries with me. So I really enjoy the work out as opposed to just getting through it. I’m actually a little anxious about not having it while we move from the apartment to the house this weekend. But I’m excited about other things– a post for another day.